My Crushes in Third Grade

01-06-2025

Here's some cringe comedy for you. When I was in third grade there was this girl who I had a crush on. I think some other kids did as well but I was the only person who actually said anything to her. Unfortunately, it was not in the most optimal fashion.
So in most elementary schools, I believe, break time was a very tightly supervised thing. The teacher would lead the entire class out at some set time and then the kids would have to line up and the teacher would do a head count before we were allowed back in. I decided the best course of action would be to tell my romantic interest that I'm in fact interested. This of course would be my downfall and ruin the rest of my life. Here's the exact exchange as I remember it.

"Hey uhh... I have a crush on you"
"ok..."
The feeling of 20 million judging 8 year olds ensues
"No uhh I meant like uhh I want to crush you. With a boulder. Because I hate you so much"
I mime the action of lifting a boulder above my head and flattening her.
The entire class is now staring at me in silence wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

I don't remember much else after that exchange, I assume that I trauma blocked it.
I wonder if anyone else from that class remembers what I did. I sure as hell do. On one hand I wish I had never done that because it makes me feel immense cringe whenever I think about it. But on the other hand that'd be one less funny story about my life to share.
Anyway here's a story about another girl also in third grade who I liked.
She had ginger hair and actually liked me back. Then we kissed once and the smell of her breath caused me to walk away immediately after and never talk to her again. She was a bit desolate after that.
Honestly I kind of miss her she was a nice person. If only her breath didn't smell like scrotum dust and dick cheese.
This is why we shouldn't give little kids free will. Because they'll do stupid shit like that and lose sleep thinking about their immense heartbreak years later.